A couple weeks ago I kicked off a subseries on my YouTube channel about how feelings affect our ability to be authentic and vulnerable with others and, in many cases, disrupt our ability to connect in meaningful ways. So far, I've covered discouragement, disillusionment, rejection, and, today, stress.
While emotions are short-lived, feelings can live on (and on and on). Who hasn't felt the sting of rejection, with its accompanying feelings of unattractiveness, unworthiness, and never-enoughness? Or the jaded feeling of disillusionment? Or the short-tempered impatience of stress?
Emotions hit us like a storm, but feelings can wreck havoc in the aftermath.
The past couple of weeks had me pushing into uncomfortable areas at work, in relationships, and in business. By the end of the first week I was pretty wiped physically and emotionally, which left me feeling vulnerable, exposed, and insecure.
And what was last week filled with? Dealing with team issues at work. Loads of camera time on Zoom and MS Teams. Introducing myself to hundreds of strangers at networking events and for classes, where I talk about being gay and what I'm doing with Gay Grit—and where being gay is definitely the minority.
All I wanted to do last week was lay in bed and watch movies and TV shows. All I had an appetite for was pizza, bread, and dessert. I was also really fatigued and had no interest in working out.
This got me thinking about the underlying feeling of stress that was driving me.
It wasn't just about being on camera and disclosing that I'm gay in front of hundreds of strangers.
It was about me metaphorically scanning the room for safety. It was being aware that I was different. It was looking for people to come at me with all their judgments, opinions, political leanings, and cultural beliefs.
It wasn't until later that I connected the dots that I was subconsciously re-living the stress of my worst fears growing up: being singled out, put under the microscope, and tossed out of the circle of belonging.
If you've experienced trauma of any sort (being bullied; physical, emotional, or sexual abuse; unwelcomed religious indoctrination; social media taunts; being forced to marry or stay closeted), you're likely to have linked some pretty strong feelings to certain things that trigger those memories.
In my recent video, I talk about a guy I dated who completely flew off the handle when I wouldn't stay the night with him. What was going on here?
Knowing nothing about his background, my guess is that he might have been severely traumatized sometime in his life, and probably in his childhood.
Odds are that even if he wasn't, he probably underwent the kind of ongoing stress that a lot of gay men go through before, during, and sometimes even after they come out.
Having been severely teased and taunted as a child, as well as being sexually abused by a family member, I can say from personal experience how erratic and exaggerated a lot of my feelings were in the aftermath of the initial "storm" during most of my adult life.
No matter where you find yourself on the trauma scale, day to day living in a hetero majority can be very taxing.
Authenticity, vulnerability, and meaningful connection can be hard to come by when you're trying to pass through all those screens and filters.
Understanding Stress & Emotional Dysregulation
"Emotional dysregulation" is when someone has trouble controlling or keeping emotional responses even or in check when presented with certain kinds of stimuli or events.
I never understood until very recently why I had such strong reactions to things or why my feelings would completely tank for a long period of time after certain experiences, like disappointing news, not being invited to a party, or being ghosted by someone I liked.
Stress, especially when it's chronic or intense, can have a real impact on someone's ability to regulate their emotions.
Stress Response: While beneficial in the short term, prolonged exposure to stress, and which releases adrenaline and cortisol hormones to deal with perceived threats (fight or flight), can overload the body and impair the brain's ability to effectively regulate emotions—heightening emotional reactivity and diminishing capacity to manage reactions.
Behavioral Response: People under stress may exhibit quicker, more intense, and less controlled responses: anger, irritability, anxiety, or deep sadness, for example. They might also struggle with impulse control, become more aggressive, or act rashly.
Susceptibility to Triggers: When someone is feeling stressed, they tend to be more primed to react to things that feel triggering than they would when they're in a calm state of mind:
- Sensitivity and reactivity are heightened.
- Mental and emotional resources for dealing with stressful situations are depleted.
- It becomes difficult to think clearly or rationally.
Impact on Relationships:
- Overreactions to minor slights, misinterpreting others' intentions, or disproportionate responses can create confusion or put others off, making it hard to form meaningful or trusting relationships.
- Difficulties expressing needs or feelings to friends, loved ones, or partners, clearly or constructively, can create conflict, misunderstanding, and eventually erode trust and intimacy.
- Overwhelming feelings can lead to emotional exhaustion and a desire to withdraw from social interactions, potentially straining relationships or creating hard feelings.
Dealing with Stress in the Moment
Deep breathing and meditation are two things that have been pretty effective in helping me diffuse stressful periods in my life.
Slow, deep breaths in and out were especially effective when I was going through a family situation that had me unnerved last year.
What happens when you're feeling the pinch of distress? For me, my chest tightens, my breathing becomes shallow, and I feel very panicky.
Slow, measured breaths in, holding them for a few seconds, and then releasing, worked wonders. The trick is to actually try it, because logically it doesn't seem like something so simple should work!
As for meditation, I listen to an app every morning. I don't go long or deep. In fact, I usually only spend about 8-10 minutes tops, but it's enough to set my focus...usually! It's not always 100%, but even 10% is better than nothing!
Recommended Reading
I just started reading "What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing," by Bruce D. Perry, M.D., PH.D. and Oprah Winfrey, on the recommendation of my therapist. I'm just a few pages in, but it's very good and provides excellent context around the topic of stress responses to trauma.
Disclaimer:
The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need.
For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.