Gay Grit®️
Figuring things out takes time, patience, and effort. Discussing topics on self-care, resilience, and belonging for gay men.
Practicing Gay Self-Care
Being gay feels lonely for many men. Challenges related to things like stigma, discrimination, and coming out can make the journey to self-acceptance difficult.
Studies indicate that gay men are at a higher risk for suicide, surpassing even HIV as a leading cause of premature mortality.
Alcoholism, substance abuse and other damaging addictions, not to mention ongoing stress, were already working to create a physical and mental health crisis for gay men long before the pandemic.
For many, being gay is hard and the toll can be heavy over the course of a lifetime
But the path to genuine connection begins by cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself first.
Understanding Gay Stress
Stress is difficult for anyone, gay or straight, but a number of issues contribute toward making it ever harder on gay men and the LGBTQ+ community as a whole.
Societal Stigma
Ongoing Discrimination, Bias, or Prejudice
From homophobic remarks and attitudes in schools, workplaces, public settings, and social media; to discriminatory laws and policies; to negative, slanted, or stereotyped portrayals in news, media, and entertainment channels; it's hard to escape the feeling of being singled out as wrong or odd or "going to hell."
Lack of Social Acceptance
The strain of feeling rejected or ostracized by family members can lead to feelings like anger, loneliness, resentment, or isolation. Times of joy and connection, like reunions, holidays, or weddings can be filled with misery or anxiety.
Likewise, community-oriented connection can also suffer.
Whether it's being unable to freely worship in a religious institution or being rejected from a cultural community, the pressure to conform to "normal" standards can cause some men to hide, pretend, or cave into trying to change themselves.
The gay community itself can feel lonely and threatening for guys who don't fit the masculine ideal, come with perfect economic credentials, have the ideal job, or hang with an esteemed group.
Identity Struggles
Internalized Homophobia
Societal norms and expectations often turn inward into self-rejecting thoughts and beliefs, often evolving into feelings of anger, shame, and guilt.
Accepting and expressing one's identity becomes an ongoing internal conflict resulting in mixed messages and an inability to feel comfortable in relationships, gay or straight.
Religious and cultural belief systems frequently fuel the inner turmoil.
Gay men belonging to additional marginalized communities (racial or ethnic, for example) face extra layers of discrimination that only amplify feelings of internalized homophobia, especially when conforming offers a much-needed sense of protection.
Issues Coming Out
Conflicted feelings about being gay make it hard to come out.
Fears of rejection from family members, friends, co-workers, and society at large create stress and anxiety.
Deciding when and how to disclose that you're gay, and with whom, feels like dancing around landmines.
And with every new job, friend, neighborhood, it's like starting all over again.
Wellness Issues
Physical, emotional, and relational wellness suffers when the path to self-acceptance feels blocked.
Stress-related challenges from external societal pressures and internal conflicts lead to poor forms of coping, including alcoholism and substance abuse.
Cultural and religious expectations related to manhood and sexuality make authentic connection difficult to attain, making it hard to make friends, date, or find compatible partners if you don't fit within idealized conceptions of masculinity or status, leading to increasing loneliness and isolation.
Physical and sexual health can easily become compromised in the vicious cycle of disconnection and harmful habits to cope with the void.
Shame and fear of being exposed as gay, can work to prevent some men from seeking help or taking care of themselves when circumstances call for it, which can further ratchet up the stress.
Developing a Gay Self-Care "Toolkit"
When the world literally feels like it's out to get you, it can sometimes feel impossible not to act like a victim or turn to things to make the pain disappear or hide behind a fake exterior or stuff the feelings down.
Loving yourself is one of the hardest things to do when you crave it from someone else. Being the one who loves yourself first takes a lot of guts and strength. No one can make you do it and no one can do it for you!
The inside stuff is always the most difficult to face, but it's also the only thing you have total control over.
Nurturing the inner world can often take a hell of a lot of determination, especially in the beginning. But tending to it is like building a muscle through practice and repetition.
It might initially look like carving out 5 or 10 minutes to be with your thoughts. It could also be setting a small goal to get out of a situation that is tearing your down, and then taking small steps to make that happen.
It could also mean setting boundaries to keep others' negative thoughts and beliefs from infiltrating your beliefs about yourself or what's possible for you.
The point is to get yourself to a place where you love yourself a little more than expecting an external source to give you that love, whether it's a person, a substance, a religion, or anything that could be used as a substitute.
Showing up for yourself and prioritizing yourself over people, things, or circumstances that make you feel less than or helpless or a like victim is like reclaiming land that's been stolen from you.
Whether it's prayer, meditation, exercise, eating better foods, getting a handle on finances, or putting a stop to negative self-talk, self-care is the first step to developing gay grit and finding genuine connection.
Disclaimer:
The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need.
For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.