Rejection is one of the hardest things to deal with in life. Everyone's pretty much introduced to the age-old feeling from an early age. But no matter how much we've dealt with it, it's never an easy pill to swallow.
Gay rejection in particular is pretty tough. In fact, it can really suck sometimes. I talk about some of my own experiences dealing with it.
While the experience is universal, the impact is amplified when you're gay — when social and romantic rebuffs can feel even more personal and isolating.
In my own journey, reframing the feelings and reactions that bubble up in me after feeling rejected can actually lead me to feeling more empowered and in control.
Rejection and Self-Esteem
A couple key ways that gay men can be impacted by rejection are heightened vulnerability and diminished feelings of self-worth.
Heightened Vulnerability
Navigating complex social landscapes that may include experiences of discrimination, homophobia, or non-acceptance from family, friends, the gay community, or even society at large can affect feelings of safety and belonging.
Ongoing minority stress ratchets up ordinary instances of rejection—social, romantic, or professional—to feel more intense and personally significant.
For someone who's faced repeated or particularly painful instances of discrimination or homophobia, even minor rejections can cause previous memories to come roaring back.
Feeling tender like this can trigger some of us to react in ways we think will protect us, like pulling away from social gatherings or rejecting others before they reject us.
Diminished Self-Worth
Rejection can have a deep impact on someone's sense of self-worth, especially when negative messages and societal beliefs are internalized.
For example, if you've grown up in an anti-gay environment (religious family, homophobic city or country, etc.), you may unconsciously adopt those views and believe you're less worthy of love, respect, success, etc.
Rejection through that lens can pack a bigger punch by just presenting further proof that what you believe is true, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy.
Taking things a step further, everyday rejections—from job rejections to being ghosted—become instantaneous indictments of your lack of worth and value.
Reframing Rejection
Reframing is a powerful tool that continues to help me get through the thorny issues and crappy feelings of rejection.
I first learned about reframing when I worked in sales. I mean, sales is the epitome of rejection because:
1. There's a universal suspicion and dislike of sales or anything feeling "salesy."
2. Your income and livelihood are dependent on something people don't like.
3. Someone telling you no or that they don't want your product or service can't help but feel personal because while products and services don't have feelings, you do!!
Reframing sales rejection helped me depersonalize the feeling of rejection. In my mind, I gave every "no" a dollar value so that the eventual "yes" meant something.
Dealing with gay rejection isn't the same as sales rejection but I applied a similar principle by developing curiosity about the things that bothered me about gay dating, being ghosted, not getting invited to parties, etc.
What I get curious about tends to be something I want to learn or understand. Curiosity helped me depersonalize the experience and created more objectivity because I actively sought to learn about it as if it were a subject in school.
What are your strategies for dealing with rejection?
Disclaimer:
The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need.
For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.